I Can Dress Myself. Can I Take A Compliment?

Today the whanau and I went out to Turkish for tea. A rare occasion, as such meals cost money, which we kinda don't have, but since it was Mum's birthday, and probably the last time for years we'll be together, we went to Anatolia's Turkish Cafe. Sweet. On Friday in Palmerston North I bought this flipping amazing dress at Seekers MegaMart. Bright orange and white, rather old fashioned (I cut out the massive shoulder pads) but nicely fitted around the waist. Also long at the back but short at the front..I'll attack it with a sewing machine after exams. Mum thinks the dress is hideous, but Mum and I have never agreed on clothing: she's ultra-conservative. So I thought, as a test of my self consciousness, I will wear this dress to dinner. 'Cause even though I love it, I'm aware of the fact Hastings is not really a place of experimental dress. You know. It's a provincial town dressed as a city: not quite Cuba Street. But hey Miss SJC, don't care what they think. Be freeee! So I went a bit eclectic. Mean. Clashed some colours haha. Wore my AMAAAZING bag that I nicked (Read: he kinda gave it to me for my non-existant film) from the media props cupboard which is even more old fashioned than the dress, with my poetry shooes. While at dinner I saw Sask's mum, and of course we had a casual conversation: "You and Sask are neck-in-neck in English" etc. And she said "You're looking lovely tonight." Now, this is a compliment. Kirsty dresses nicely herself, and is very cool. But I was so AWARE of my outfit being slightly kitsche (Right word????) that I said something stupid like "Thank you. My mum thinks its ugly." ARRRRRGGH SJC just take the compliment! I also did the same thing at last years Year 13 Cabaret. I felt kinda poor, 'cause I'd spent twenty dollars on the entire evening (opshop shoes (10 bucks)(nice ones)/secondhand dress from my cousin/got a friend to do my makeup (gave her 10)) and all these girls had spent huuuundreds. So every time I got a compliment (which I got too many to count that night, honestly) about how stunning I was looking etc etc I felt like I had to explain myself or something. So I have decided. NO MORE DOWNING COMPLIMENTS. I can normally take them just fine, unless I'm feeling inferior because of some random reason. So I have decided I WILL NEVER JUSTIFY A COMPLIMENT. SJC, accept them gracefully, but don't feel embarassed 'cause you don't feel you deserve it. No one would have known I spent almost nil on the Cabaret in 2008 if I hadn't gotten all embarassed about my second-hand status. It's cool to be thrifty. And different. And accepting. I am quite/very accepting of myself, just some compliments are difficult. RIGHT. (Posted my Carey forms today.. OMgosh *nervous*) (Back to my media research.)

Personal Statement

"Life and spiritual history including any criminal conviction for which there was potential for a sentence of imprisonment." (No more than 500 words) I'm struggling. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TONE TO USE.

Cabaret :)

Young Woman of Potential Award Dinner

I felt special :) I got a big bunch of flowers. No one has ever bought me flowers before :) I smiled for lots of pictures with Pansy Wong, the Minister of Womens Affairs. :) He aha te mea nui? He tangata, he tangata, he tangata. What is the most important thing? It is people, it is people, it is people.

I've come to know.. my weaknesses. You make me strong.

Today I went to the common room in study period to cook my Mi Goreng noodles. I was hungry, and I can't work when I'm hungry. And I'm sure my lovely history teacher (who told me today she stays up at night worrying about me) would want me to focus in her class, and not distract everyone. So there I was, gonna eat some kai so I could work in period four. (As it was, I wrote like two sentences period four, but I blame my losing-my-glasses for that) I hang out in there most intervals and lunches, but not this week, 'cause its sunny, so we put the couch on the field and leave it there all week. So I didn't know the MICROWAVE WAS GONE. NOOOOO HOW COULD I COOK MY NOODLES? "Cameron, where did the microwave go?" "We got robbed in the holidays." "I'll use the jug." "It was stolen." "What?" "We have no appliances." No microwave. No jug. No hot sandwich press. No toastie pie maker. No hotdog cooker. Our "Kill 'em all - Let God sort 'em out" poster (or something to that effect) poster was gone. To be fair, I noticed that on Monday, so I'm not completely unobservant. They didn't steal the fridge.. probably because it was mouldy and disgusting. WE GOT ROBBED. BY whom? No one even knows our common room is where it is - a crappy, mouldy (just the fridge), rat-infested (okay, so just one rat was found in the rubbish bin) balcony over the squash courts. Back of the school. Up some stairs. A dump. WHO WOULD ROB IT? So I kicked off my shoes and found a plate (Corey smashed some a while back but we have some left) and carried my noodles in their bowl right across to the school and snuck in one of the food tech rooms and cooked my noodles and read trashy Women's gossip magazines while they cooked and then carried my noodles back across the school and ate them while Cameron and Carl talked about the latest sexytimes they've had with some girl at some party they are proud to not respect. Quite disgusting, but at least they respect some girls. In fact, they treat me awesome and mega respectfully. Rare. Carl 'fessed up today he liked me in Level One Economics. LOL. That class was such good times. 13 of us, all different, and a crazy cool cat-loving teacher. They point out that the girls who act trampy and gross and stuff, the ones that don't even respect themselves, who come on to any guy, they don't bother respecting. That's most girls in their world, I gather, from the way they talk about females. But they respect me. I'm not really sure why, but I'm glad of it. Cameron said I'm the "only Christian girl he knows who's actually Christian." Maybe that's part of it. Anyway. They were like : "Come see how we live! Just one weekend. Stealing signs and drinking Absinth and everything." Naa I'm all good. I've tried enough stuff in this life, and now I'm happy with who I am. I like to drink, but not get drunk. I don't like embarassing myself and my principal asking my friends if I'm okay! I like to walk around at night,but not in this town 'cause it's kinda dodgy at night. When I was fifteen I was chased down the street by a security guard, and had to hide in my neighbours woodshed. I don't want a repeat episode. I don't like that stuff. I tried it, but I live a much fuller life when I live for God. I'm much happier too. I don't need to try it all again. I remember it all quite well. This is my fun. I like dancing with Lou and Gerry and Lauren and Sera and Paul and Gary and Shani in cars and houses and MacDonalds drinking frozen cokes and hitching with Wilbur even though it scares me and hanging out with people in random cities and towns and writing poetry and singing on the waterfront and trying to skateboard and worshipping God and showing love to hurt people and having chats over coffee with Ash at the Coffee Club and having a nice glass of wine or sweet cup of tea. I have to give this speech tomorrow night at the ZONTA club Young Women of Potential Award dinner. I know I've already won but I still feel like I have to justify their decision to the audience. I saw a man, fumbling bowed over as he picked up the chewing gum someone else had littered. He did it quickly not drawing attention to himself but I saw him. When I asked my friend if she had seen him she could not recollect. - SJC "None are kess visible than those we decide not to see." - Stadtler Lewis

Final Cut Pro

Editing film is like chocolate and world domination and heaven and love and poetry all rolled into one neat chicken bun. Pity I didn't make a film last year. Editing is the biggest buzz.

Food for Thought: Libertarian

Libertarian ideas are good in theory,but I think in reality they don't work. Their policies on the website are a bit vague, after analysing them a bit. For example, their freedom of speech policy ended with the statement "If its legal to do... it, its legal to view/produce it." (paraphrased) But if you use the same logic, replacing "legal" with "illegal," then you couldn't depict any criminal activity, or sex between under 16s, or anything. No violence either. That is more drachonian that any leftie nanny state banter. Just some food for thought. I base my opinions off libertarianz.org.nz. I love thinking about this stuff.

"Device is the only hero of literature."

I disagree with the quote above. It was in a book about literary theory I tried to fumble through today, describing Russian Formalism. Whatever that is. I don't know much, but I like to learn. Tonight I watched two films. The Squid and the Whale, directed by Noah Baumbach. Goodbye Pork Pie, directed by Geoff Murphy. :)

Yes, sir, I live in a beautiful country.

Te Mata Peak, Havelock North, New Zealand. Photographer: Paul Brock

Little human centres.. living here

I just thought I would share a poem, as Wilbur sometimes asks to see some. This poem, and 2 others, can also be found in the anthology, DIY Graffiti: the 8th in the Re-Draft series, which I think can be ordered from this website: http://www.schoolforyoungwriters.org/Redraft/redraft.html Alleyway Dealings A man is gripping your hand and unscrewing the knuckles with a tool. He is carving your bones into ivory knick-knacks, like elephant tusks and cracked human skulls. But this is not a sing-a-long of God strung songs and clapping hands. Or who will marry whom? And where? No. The church is not open today. So here the sinners come instead, to watch your hands – those nuts and bolts and bits of lace as they become undone. Watch. In haste, an old man wets his pants. The children laugh and point their hands. Sonya J. Clark

We're calling fiercely.. through muffled spaces.

I'm going to throw away all my Vic Uni application stuff. I've hoarded it all year, knowing God wants me to go to Carey next year, but still toying with that cotton thread that says maybe... just maybe.. I'll be doing English and Media and Social Policy at Vic next year. But that stuff can wait. Life is only half-lived if it's not with God, maybe even less. Mrs TR would call me a 'raging Puritan,' right about.... now. I still remember the first day of Year 13 History when she made the Protestants sit on one side of the room and Catholics on the other, telling us to "feel the hate" in order to make us feel the Tudor-Stuart England experience more. She tried pushing the seating arrangement on us for a few weeks, but I felt a bit lost sitting in the middle, insisting I wasn't neither denomination, HONEST, just a crazy follower of Jesus, but she still looks at me sometimes, doing that small half smile.. "Oh, SJC, you're such a Puritan." I think I've forgotten how to write poetry. This is a problem as it's integral to living life in a full-stomached way. I'm writing an essay about living together. As in, humans coexisting in society in literature, not de-facto relationships. On Monday, my new friend Rory called me a "raging liberal" because I'm a fan of welfare and feeding people, but then I feel a bit stuck, 'cause I hate the whole nanny state thing.

I like Slavoj Zizek

"Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen."- John le Carre "Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish."~Herman Hesse. "...I do like words/ which is why I make things out of words/ and listen to their hints, resounding like skipping stones radiating circles..." "For the life of me I cannot remember: What made us think that we were wise and we`d never compromise. For the life of me I cannot believe we`d ever die for these sins. We were merely freshmen.." The Verve Pipe - "Freshmen"