Man Alone

".. Johnson was trying to work something out. He was trying to work out a restlessness that would not leave him in peace. He was thinking of Tom White and his machines, and Bill Jessup who would live and die there with his wife and two daughters, maids at the house, growing up and marrying and living and dying there, with Lincoln still a far journey to them, untouched by the cars going by and the aeroplanes overhead. He himself could never live anywhere again. He had tried to live and settle and things had happened to him. Now he could not do that again. He lived now to earn his living, and lying there he was thinking, trying to work out in himself what it was beyond that he could not want. There were thoughts within him that had not been there before. There were memories of men he had known and liked, men, black and clay-stained on New Zealand roads, sweating on steamer decks, paint-blistered, dirty and lice-ridden in the seamen's camp at Panama, tough, sceptical on New York docks. There was a desire in him now for a life that would give warmth and a meaning to these memories before he grew too old, for a life active, but with good food and good drink, and men moving, making something together." -John Mulgan. Man Alone. Selwyn and Blount, 1939.

NO.

I'm almost embarrassed by my lack of effort. I have left every assignment until the last day/last couple hours, and well, it was fine for my first essay, which got A+, but I can't keep that up. And the problem is: I'm loving the practical, the community, the doing stuff. But for the first time in my life.. I'm hating the academic. I used to love academic.. got some sort of kick out of writing a good essay on Heaney or media or whatever. Maybe its that what I'm studying can sometimes be boring. But.. as Mick said first week of IM: "If you can't do boring, you can't do life. You can't do discipleship." Because life is all about discipline. I often find myself not caring about my academic stuff 'cause I think that what I'm doing doesn't matter for the future.. like this isn't my 'proper' degree. But I know that I need to learn discipline. I thought I learnt it in Year 13.. but obviously not. I'm so angry at myself. Kinda like in Year 12 history where I complained about not understanding it, and annoyed everyone (I was new to history) then topped mock exams and people got more annoyed. And even now, with that first film essay, like it was 11.15pm and it was due at 12 and I'd written 100 words and Olivia was like SONYA and then I got 39/40. It's just WRONG. Maybe I need to fail miserably to learn a lesson. Then I hear about crazy, radical proposals.. and I'm just like YES. Finn - "Hey Sonya, lets move to New York next year and be poor creatives.." and I hear of John winning the Robertson scholarship to America and I think I JUST WANT TO TRAVEL! And then I get offered rooms in intentional communities (pretty much communes)in wild West Auckland where dumpster diving is normal.. Maybe I need a proper gap year - like one that is completely non-academic to get the itchiness out of my feet and to come back and appreciate the academic in all its glory. Or.. I need to learn some flipping discipline. For now, I need to read the book on which my report is due in 14 hours. And I want to get it done TODAY, SOON because I want to skype Taylor and chat to Olivia and bake cupcakes for the neighbours and BANK my cheque so I actually have money.. and.. and.. but its all about priorities. People often say I'm too hard on myself. But NO. I'm addicted to Sufjan Stevens. I'm ASHAMED. KNUCKLE DOWN.