Names.. again. Changing names?

I can't seem to shake this fascination with my name.

Sonya (Wisdom), Jasmine (White flower, connected with sensuality),

Clark (Scholar)

I think.. its because its the whole grappling with who you are, like what defines me, what gives who you are meaning.

My race/ethnicity does not - as old Dr Ybarrola (I'm using this felllla for my cultural assignment) would say.. my ethnic ancestry ‘plays virtually no part in (my) self-identity whatsoever.”

My location does not - I do not strongly go I"M FROM THE BAY, I"M FROM THE MAINLAND(canterbury, or I'M AN AUCKLANDER, which each I could use, three different cities. I see myself as the nomad, the never quite fitting completely, but happy everywhere girl. The transient one. Kerouac would understand. I do associate myself with NZ, however.

My faith DOES - but I'm not Catholic or anything traditional, so I don't have like a saints name tacked on there or anything.

Names.. and then I also think.. Clark. Clark? CLARK. Sometimes I feel a bit lost with my last name. 

I have absolutely no close relatives with the last name Clark in NZ. The Clark family have had little to do with my upbringing/who I am. They're in Uruguay, or Australia. And my Clark cousins (i.e Dad's side, none officially have the last name Clark) have mixed up their last names, and so it gets me thinking about mixing up mine. One of my cousins has reverted to Clark, her mothers maiden name. My young ones in Uruguay.. one sister has Clark as like a middle name with her fathers name as her last name, but the other only uses her fathers name.

Clark.. the name feels kind of hollow to me.. but I'm beginning to affiliate with it more, now.

And I often used to think -  how does my NAME, which I use as my main source of identity, demonstrate the large sphere of influence my mums family have had in my life? I was like should I hyphenate? Even now, I have just changed my facebook name to Sonya J. Brickell Clark, as a sort of.. experiment.

And what if I got married? What about the fact I publish/write under the name Sonya J. Clark? Would that change with marriage? I am sure I will be one of those hyphenating wives. That would bother my mums family, I think, and a lot of conservative Christian boys too! Well, in my limited discussions on such topics. A significant boy once in my life hated the idea of his wife having a different name to him. He expressed a desire to marry me. OH! How young and naive we were. That could never work. Then again, I don't think I'll be marrying a strongly conservative guy.. I'm a bit too free. (Good that boy didn't work out) I wouldn't want to just keep Clark, though. Again, my name is my identity, right? And I'd want to acknowledge my husbands name in that identity.

My Dad is the hero again on this stuff haha. He wanted my mum to hyphenate Brickell-Clark and she was like NO - she was raised very conservative. That's okay, if that's what she wanted, and she is happy. All good. But I am different. Dad still brings it up! Haha funny.

Oh and also why my name is my identity is I LIKE/agree/try live up to the meaning - wise, sweet-smelling scholar. Yeah, that works for me :) And my Mum's family aren't scholars - but farmers, and Brickell, reflects that - a little farming? rural-ish village in England, somewhere. So putting Clark - scholar and Brickell - provincial/rural together, works for me, because its my background and also, description of me a bit.

I've often wondered why I am the way I am - when Mark (friends dad) told me I was the "child most unlike her parents he had ever met" I felt a whole mix of feelings. Confused. Odd. Misfit. Happy - I like myself. Truly. Again, I was in another city, at his house, when I said that, so I felt like the nomadic never fitting girl. And later that week, his lovely wife ended up picking me up in the middle of the night, rather embarrassingly 'cause I was stranded. And she made a comment, that if it were anyone else, she would growl, but cause it was SOnya.. and I remember staying up that night in that dark dark house and writing a poem in my notebook: "I am nobody's daughter...." But the girl that comes to peoples houses and sleeps on the floor and then disappears.. am I happy being nobody's daughter?

This evening I had a lovely moment. You see, lately, far far away by plane or by drive from any family member, I have been reconnecting with my Clark family. Learning Spanish makes me feel closer to them, and I think I might try writing to my younger cousins in Spanish. This could be a good connection point.

But also I have been contacting more my cousin Anna, who is simply lovely. Anna lives in Australia and is studying psychology.

And two beautiful things happened tonight: that affirmed my Clark identity

1) Anna put a recent picture of herself as her facebook display picture.. and I looked at it.. and I RECOGNISED MYSELF! I can't explain the feeling. None of my family look like me! None of my friends! And I saw a smile.. and eyes and nose that resembled MYSELF!

I can't explain it. But I sat there and had a smile with myself, and with this digital picture of Anna, who I have not seen since I was 11. I have put the picture as my desktop (sorry Anna, she'll probably read this ;) and it just makes me happy. She is beautiful. And God made us like this! And.. I'm not the only Clark person who.. has kind of my face. I CAN'T GET OVER IT. You could look at it and think we don't look alike, but whatever. SOMEONE LOOKS LIKE ME! I'm not the family misfit. Cool. Done.

2) Next thing that happened is  I realised I'm NOT the only member of my family (both sides) who loves to create beautiful things and art and words and ... I realised. Anna and her sister and her father all are amazing painters! The house I visited, all those years ago, was covered in beautiful canvases Anna and Gary had done! Phenomenal stuff! My Grandma Clark's maiden name is PAINTER. Oh! that's what happened today - I brought PAINT! And I HAVE had the most amazing evening. I painted a CROSS and hung with God and music and painted other peoples poetry and paint paint paint.. its so beautiful, art. I can't believe I dropped art at high school 'cause I was obsessed with silly excellences. And normally sitting on my laptop feels wasted, like I'm wasting my life, but after I painted things I was hard out into my study, and then now I’m blogging.. and its creating, and God is in it all, and He has to be or else I'm lost.

So now, I'm thinking I am a Clark, after all. Clark's are tall and Brickells are short. I'm not tall but I'm taller than average. taller than every single Brickell aunt and cousin. Clark's are generally slim and Brickells have 'childbearing hips'. I am slim-ish(?) but I do have womanly curves, but not 'childbearing' as such - so I'm all good with my deal there. And I see, now, that Brickells are more practical, but Clark's ARE more creative.. and so I do fit, somewhere! I'm not just a random oddity, a genetic defunct mad poet woman..

So, my name. Sonya Jasmine Clark. What do you all think? Does it fit me? Brickell - should I add it, informally as such? Brickell-Clark Clark-Brickell Brickell Clark

Is it pretentious to have a long facebook name? Haha, or name in general?

I'll also, if I have kids, be one of those parents who gives their kids ridiculously long names because I want there to be a tons of meaning.

My name is something tangible I hold, about what it means to be me. I will be consulting Jesus on this more, too. I'm sure he has a lot to say on me, who I am to him, what does Christ/God think of me?

I also reject the term Miss, for Ms. Again, identity.

"And once upon I look upon the cross where you died. I'm humbled by your mercy and I'm broken inside. Once again I thank you, once again I pour out my life."