Shattered.

I am shattered. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, heart, mind, body, toes, fingers. I cannot sleep, I am continually told to eat more.

I tried to have a bath but somehow the whole whanau ended up in the bathroom. Privacy can be an issue.

The worst bit is I cannot feel, only think. Its like the opposite of what my faith used to be.Of who I used to be. And I feel like I have been strange recently.Even when I sleep I am not sleeping, I am thinking.

I vomited on the bus. It can be dehumanising clutching a toilet on a bus, on the ground. I had a beautiful moment, though, with two cups of tea and A Book of Luminous Things, sitting in a truckstop diner on state highway 2. I think that is the most beautiful book of poetry I have ever read or owned.

I came home and looked through the stuff I left behind. I felt like I was meeting a different person. The framed picture of his family on the bookshelf. The favourite children's books, my Plunket record, describing a lovely baby girl. School yearbooks. Everything here is the same. Almost. The stuff God put on my heart years ago to do is now being done by others.

Jesus, fill me. Please. I want to cry. I do not know how anymore. I am enjoying my newly bald, affectionate brother who has the biggest heart and one of the bravest hearts too.

Galveston Bay, Bruce Springsteen. Beautiful. Thank you, Taylor :)

Going back to bible college? My head is fractured enough as it is.
Lord! Spirit! Jesus! Take me to the place where we first met.