Thoughts of a sleepy/on caffeine pills and stoked on interesting classes, Sonya Jasmine

Things that aren't cool: man outside my bedroom door at 7.30am checking the filter of the HRV thing when I only went to bed at 5.30.

So, last night, this morning, had some good old chats with my good friend Taylor. And he kind of made me aware/I became more aware through conversation that I have become quite negative about my future over the course of.. leaving school! Since leaving school. Well it actually went something like this 'me do long rant about how I'm gonna end up teaching English in a NZ high school etc etc and how I'm gutted but actually actually what else will my BA do?' and there's a pause and a 'Sonya, that's very negative.' Yes! I am shocked to acknowledge in myself that I don't see my future as bright or sparkly as I did a year ago!

I had some pretty crazy and exciting dreams in my final year, of what life after school would look like. Things I would/did would like to do include starting a sustatinable/co operative, publishing books of epic poetry etc etc but now I'm like, really, Sonya?

Why? Why is this? I could attribute this to being a boring adult. Paying bills and budgets and time constraints and a lot of this year is self awareness and I'm realising my lack of self-discipline means I don't work as hard as I should do therefore I won't get far. Oh that's so negative! So accepting of a fate which actually isn't fate! I can change this! I need to! The Bible is big on making good use of what you have - I have skills and time yet, does my use of time reflect my core values? I really really like that thought. No, I didn't think of it. No, my use of time often doesn't reflect my core values.

Think. I now do not really associate writing with my identity. Taylor and I established this is probably because as time passes from high school achievements and stuff that gave me cred, you have less to say to people if they ask. Like the gap between high school where smart kids have a lot of achievements and then the gap of say ten years or more until you actually start achieving. Like as an undergraduate there's little recognition to be had for years but thats the point - its where the work work work has to come in. But there's the risk of losing your dreams because this stage of life requires a great deal of self-motivation as the rewards are a long long way away

IF if after I do my BA and probably some post-grad or whatever.. IF IF IF I go.. oohh i should go to teachers college now cause thats secure and safe and IF IF IF I end up teaching at a local high school at like age 20-something and IF IF IF I just acccept that is my lot in life and have a kid and get married and COMPLETELY LOSE THE BELIEF I CAN soooooooaaaarrrr! can all youu readers PLEASE PLEASE okay well ya knooww you probably won't but this is just a cry to the Sonya within - DON'T LOSE THE PASSION, GIRL.

Don't lose the belief you can do great things! Work, girl! Taylor was like 'Sonya, 8 months and you've finished just ONE poem?' That is shockiing. It is, right, when I consider writing important to me and to life and to the world and to art and to part of my lifes purpose. BUT this year doing the Jesus stuff is so so useful and beautiful and amazing but

DON'T LOSE THE NAIVETY YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD
I don't actually have any intentions to actually change the world, but to go far far beyond what people say is possible or my background says can be done or to succumb to mediochrity or just floooaat and not make an IMPACT and

oh, Sonya, my dear friend
go home and do your essay
and don't you dare let life pass you by

Don't you dare be cynical about your OWN future
ESPECIALLY when so many people have always BELIEVED in you
when circumstance said things weren't possible

Look where you are now! tertiary study! Three years ago that wasn't an option.

I got up at 9 had breakfast, a no doze (caffeine pill), went to an exciting class where we discussed pokies and crime rates in New York and abortion and broken windows theory, skipped down the corridors, often running, ate lunch, and more lunch and DEBATED stuff (its been a whiiile) and and here I am

Don't you dare settle for mediochrity, Miss Sonya. Especially when people believe in you. Remember what Mrs. Taylor wrote in your history book on the last day of school. Remember the words of your teachers. Remember how they believed in you! How they saw themselves in you and told you so! Remember the radical lengths they went to to help you have the same opportunities as others! Remember, remember

I remember the night Gerard and I hit the realisation we won't live ordinary lives
despite perceived circumstance
It was a beautiful moment

I love catching Mick's eye and he  knows exactly what I'm thinking. Goofy grins and crinkly eyes.
As we walked down the stairs he was like 'Sonya. People have lost the value of doing a BA to learn how to learn. They try to equate everything with jobs.'