On The Town

Well last night/12am until 3am this morning, I went to 'town' for the first time. Some think it is sad that I have been 18 since August and didn't go 'til last night, but I'm not bothered. Town, especially Havelock North town, is very overrated. There are three bars young people congregate in: Loading Ramp, which is more the 21upwards age bracket, Diva Bar and Bistro, which has a tiny dance floor and crap music: Ben said the 'cougars' congregate there (older(21upwards) women looking for younger men)We spotted a few. The whole bar seems to be taken up with the bar.. I think they're focussed on fancy drinks. Last is Turks, the bar full of 18-22ish aged people, some probably underage. That was a hot sweaty crammed bar and dance floor, with Finn DJing. I, nor any human being I know, cannot stand Finn. I had four years of classes with him and his sleazy arrogance, until he left school last year. RELIEF. Bouncers are very strict! There were also police swarming through Turks, six in a row, randomly checking IDs. Thomas was checked by two policemen within five minutes. A bouncer standing near the toilets asked for my ID as well. I honestly don't understand how people get in underage, they scrutinised my REAL ID enough, asking me if I had a bank card or something to back me up. I knew this would happen, because in my ID I am 15 years old, dark dark hair boy cut hair with a very sullen face! And now I am smiling, medium brown short/medium length feminine hair with fringe and a big "Sonya smile." And the old drivers license photos are tiny. But the bouncers were also really friendly. I enjoyed myself near the end, when Ben Christensen, Shani, Emma and I danced random in a relatively spacious part of Turks. It was cool having nice Ben there, when you're surrounded by drunk guys. But at the start I was just like BROOOO SLEAZY STRANGERS! And there was. Saskia was hammered and Ben and I were trying to hold her up as she almost fell(while she resisted) and this random guy started pointing at her/himself/outside. NO. It was like guys go to 'spot the drunk girl' and take advantage. And they do. I had one drink the whole night out: You have to be careful in such situations. :) The funniest/oddest part of the whole night was when I saw Abbie outside Turks(seriously, so many KHS Year 13s in town) and she hugged me and goes "WHERES MY ID??" She hugged me and it was in her hand and then it disappeared. And she's looking everywhere and accusing young-ish girls around her of picking it up. So the whole night she's worried. Her Full License disappeared. Then.. 3.30am.. i'm changing into my pyjamas and what falls out of my bra? She had hugged me and it had obviously fallen down the back of my dress and got lodged in my bra clip! LOL. It was actually hilarious at the time. I was really relieved that I had it and not some random on the dance floor or whatever. And relieved it didn't fall out! Ten-ish of us slept at Courtneys last night: woke up today and realised I had no way of getting home (everyone had pretty much left) so Ben came and picked me up and we randomly hung at SCHOOL (yeah, so I thought we'd finished :) in the music room and watched youtube videos for a couple of hours. Saw Taylor's film which was swweet, and 21 accents ( a funny awesome video, search it) and Boxing, which is a video Bjorn and other Year 13s made last year in Media Studies of him inside a big washing machine box at school and randomly jumping as students walked past and scaring them. GREAT. Other highlights: Gerard and I dressing as reindeer at 6pm last night then dancing crazy 'til 12 at Courtney's 18th birthday. Was so much fun, and there are some awesome photos! Our leavers jerseys say KNOWLEDGE IS STENGTH. Ironic. I had a really cool phone conversation with Wilbur this afternoon mainly about religion type stuff. He also went to town last night, in Wellington, and his seventeen-year-old self got into every bar (minus one, for his shoes) without an ID. He does it by putting on a German accent and pretty much trying to intice the bouncers to let him in, by inquiring what the bar is like until the bouncers push him in saying "check it out yourself mate!" He wants me to hitch to Wellington with him this weekend, and to busk POETRY in Cuba Street. Now I call that SCARY. But I think I should do it sometime. But I think he's gonna hitch up here instead. Tomorrow is the Youth Council break-up dinner at Lonestar in Napier. :) I didn't spend a cent last night.

Therefore do not worry about your life

says Jesus in Luke 12:22-34. It is my full time job to find a full time job. Today I am writing/fixing my CV and Covering Letter. Tomorrow I will go to the library, photocopy each about 40 times, along with my AWESOME RushMunro's job reference. Then I will go to Work and Income, register as "looking for work" and meet with a job broker. They have connections. Then I will walk around every single darn shop in town and give them my CV. I will be dressed smartly. I will then bus to Taradale and do the same thing. Tomorrow I will photocopy my 2010 college fees invoice, post it to ZONTA, along with a nice covering letter and hopefully they will pay 2000 dollars to Carey. Thank you ZONTA. I WILL GET A FULL-TIME JOB.

Things I don't like

Food intolerance.

Things that are sick

Nazi symbols and KKK tattoos. I cannot stand racism. Hatred makes me sick. Makes me sad. Seeing that profile picture made me sad sad sad for the sheer ignorance and intolerance. I love humans. But some of humanity is very very sad.

I'm smiling

Apart from an amazing prizegiving I also happened to come home at 1.10am to three awesome emails: a) Ashley Rae, awesome to read ;'cause its like interesting and getting to know someone and those emails are always fun. b) Finn saying he liked my country song and is putting it to music/we're working on a project. We've even got a name. c)Luke with FEEDBACK ON GUTTER VIEW! Yeah. and also d) a poem from Luke for feedback. I love his work. So, prizegiving. Everyone was like TOWN AFTER? but I have two dollars in my bank account and plus I'm kinda tiired and its 12km from my house plus I'm going to 'town' for the first time really next weekend. Best prizegiving yet. For me. The whole night was quite tense 'cause sometimes it was hard to hear so you're like crap did they say my name and then there was emotional minutes of silence for Mr. Dark and an impromptu haka and the awful moments when they say YEAR 13 and we are all going ohmygosh ohmygosh and then Gerard and I are like BET we'll get called up together we should fully skip down the aisle and link arms but of course we DIDN'T but we walked REALLY quickly and we were both STOKED. So, my prizes. For those who care 'cause some have asked to be told. Cultural awards section: KHS Cup for Best Senior Debater and Allen Cup for Senior Writing. Honours Medals Section (doing well in NZ): Silver Honours Medal for Debating and Silver Honours Medal for Writing 2007-2009 (Gold honours medals are for like going overseas and representing NZ, was SO PROUD OF ALEX FOR her gold medal for debating ) Random Prize: Books and Certificate for Deputy Head Girl (They put the sticker thing for it in 1984. I liked this. Outstanding Academic Section (Top six people in form): First and Distinction in English, Distinction in History (Gerard got first) Distinction in Media Studies (Ben got first) and Distinction in Geography (no one got first, three of us were tied: Abbie and me and Jesse) and then the U-Bix(?) Cup for First in Year 13 Humanities. (The one I wanted) So my best year ever :) Never got honours medals before. It was a real cool night but real weird 'cause so many people WEREN'T THERE. Two and a half rows of Year 13s. Maybe 25 of us in total, including sports prizes. It felt weirdly elitist. Not..right. Would have been nice if all of the Year 13s could have got their leavers scrolls at prizegiving, like old years. I THOUGHT THERE WAS NO MORE UNIFORM. THEN I GET TOLD I HAVE TO DO A SPEECH AT JUNIOR PRIZEGIVING. But what if i get a job and be working that day? Damn. I was so proud of so many people. I'm so HAPPY that the Dark and Rodler family were there to present the Memorial Cup and I'm so HAPPY that Thomas got Proxime and that Karla got that scholarship and I'm SO HAPPY that Shani got those two cups and her Speech diploma awarded in front of everyone and I'm so STOKED that Gerard got recognition for history. Of course there is stuff you go hmm about, like no other leaders getting recognition beyond the four head students? and other stuff. Did you know the prize for first in year 12 math is an ARTWORK PRINT? I'm glad they have introduced the Academic Excellence and General Excellence award for every year. Anyway. I got the three cups I wanted, but didn't necessarily think I'd get, so that was nice. Lots of teacher hugs. I really like seeing younger students get the cups I once got and I really like looking at the names on the cups you receive, thinking about legacy, and where they are now, and how they are successful and smart, and you think.. well, its encouraging. Like Shani getting the cup for Co-Curricular Drama and seeing a famous broadcaster person on it and knowing she is following in his footsteps next year as she heads off to broadcasting school. I have to go to school tomorrow. Sheesh, when does this end. I'm trying to find a JOB SCHOOL. You know, MONEY FOR MY FUTURE. Stop getting me to COME BACK. Yay cowboy song!

I like life

I wrote a COWBOY SONG because Finn Teppett asked me to. I enjoyed writing said cowboy song. I am going apple job hunting with Joel on Monday. I probably haven't seen him in over a year, which is awful. My only hope is we don't get caught by a cop 'cause that is a 400 dollar fine which is over a weeks worth of work. He is now officially sponsored by KINGPIN and of course Daylight Skateboards. Joel is amazing. We have had some good times skateboarding. Wellington College has a Tractor Club. I like. Prizegiving tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it. Whatever happens I come out with SIX BOOKS I really want to read. I think I am the only female getting an Outstanding Academic Award in Year 13. That's a first. I hate processed meat. Sausages. Bler. And the parents cook so much of it 'cause its good and cheap but its full of nitrites and is bad and sometimes gives me headaches. I am hungry. Ash turned up at ten tonight. In the pouring rain with his umbrella. I gave him milo and we talked about the 'I have to leave home' feeling.

A warm July day + Casabella Lane

Thoughts + The Tongariro Alpine Crossing

Someday I'm gonna do the whole Crossing. It's only a days tramp, but I'll probably stay in one of the huts, just for fun. I should plan for next summer. The quote is from Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry. Photo courtesy of Mrs. Lambert, Geography teacher.

KHS Class of '09/Good times at KHS

Top to Bottom: Year 13 Cabaret, Shakespeare Group, Kapa Haka (Te Rau Karamu), Me, Cameron and Alex in the Russell McVeagh Hawke's Bay Tournament Debating Final, Year 13 Class of '09, and again :) If you click on the photos they come up really clear. Except for the top one.

YAY

Media Studies Level 3: 2pm - 5pm. AFTER THAT. No more school. Except for prizegiving.

Just Some Casual Internet Reading

Found this sweet blog post about how Twilight ticks all the boxes of the "Are you in an Abusive Relationship?" guidelines. I'd always thought it was awfully written, and kind of thought it was a bit disturbing how tweens wear tops saying "I wish my boyfriend was like Edward," but when you think about it, the problem with Twilight is the stupid expectations young girls are getting about relationships. Anyway. Read the blog post. Quite good.

I'm learning to use LINKS.

I am Sonya and I have almost finished my NCEA and Scholarship examinations. I have my Tudor-Stuart History exam at 2pm this afternoon which I am NOT Adequately prepared for. But its okay, because next year I am going to be doing Intermission at Carey Baptist College in Auckland. I hope to move to Mangere halfway through next year.

Book shopping!

Prizegiving always has its dramas. First there's the letters to the parents. "Your kid is getting a prize." This letter also specifies whether or not you are wearing the all-important BLAZER which means a lot. If you are, it means you're getting an "Outstanding" Academic prize or honours medal. (doing well nationally co-curricular) And normally in the same letter is the all-important BOOKVOUCHERLETTER which tells the bookstore to let you pick books and bill the school (This is for the 'outstanding' academic kids) Well yesterday had its dramas 'cause the academic kids got their letters and there was no BOOKVOUCHERLETTER. So of course we all freaked out about how crap we must have done.. but then I texted my buddy Alex in Year 11 and found out she didnt get a BVL. So of course we then realised if ALEX didn't get one.. there would be none, there would be a new system, or something. Like the school picked the books or something. Anyway all our stupid fretting ended today when letters addressed to US, not our parents, arrived with BVL's in them. But then I had another dilemma.Theygave me TWO BVLS!! and THREE little slips reminding me to pick an "appropriate" book. So I was like, is this a mistake? I haven't heard of anyone getting $100 of book vouchers at KHS before. I'm not getting a big prize. I'm excluded 'cause of my only doing four subjects. So I rang the ol' principals secretary who assured me that, yes, I had 100 to spend, and they were separate letters to remind me to buy two separate lots of books. And I was like oh. Then I clicked that its just for being a head student and stop wondering Sonya. Texting the head boy assured me of the same thing. ANYWAY. So ten minutes from being home from Media Schol and Gerard and I decided to go BOOK SHOPPING! Well we kinda had to 'cause I have three exams in the next four days and the only day I don't is Sunday, and the bookstores are closed. So we had a grand ol' arvo, perusing the limited bookstores, being indecisive, and eating Wendys sherbet icecream. My selections were Cannery Row and Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck (Cannery Row 'cause Ashley Rae recommended it to me) A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (I am DETERMINED to read this, and understand it) Catcher in the Rye by J.D.Salinger (another classic, need to read for my own sake) The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy (famous, plus Udayan wrote about it in his schol exam essays which I read: sounded good) and of course 1984 by George Orwell which I just had to own. I was disappointed the store didn't have Brave New World by Aldous Huxley 'cause that is also on my summer readinglist but I feel I did pretty well. Gerard got Superfreakonomics (I was tempted) and Jacquie Brown's guide to life as a sort of JOKE, but then once out of the store he realised there were cartoons of sexual stuff lol which the school probably might not approve of haha. We joked about getting those MASSIVE Books just for a laugh. A2 size, "Cats" and "Birds of the World" really heavy ones. It would be hilarious to see the principal strain to hold. We thought you could use it as a tray for your trophies (Not that we've ever got more than one trophy) Its really all quite silly, this fuss about prizegiving. But the reality is, a lot of people work really hard, and then when you don't get any recognition, it kinda sucks. I've been lucky to be alright, but I have some AMAZING friends, who get really good grades, but never seem to be recognised. And it frustrates me, for their sake. I'm excited about my books. Now media schol is over I feel like exams are. Which is silly. There is the small matter of history tomorrow, and the next day. But media level 3 will be easy-ish, so I'm not really thinking of it as an exam even.

Summer is here.

You know its summer when the massive sprinklers at the park have been set up and intermediate kids walk home past the fence; their uniforms soaked. I walk across the park and sneeze every ten metres. We talk of the yellow powder covering the footpaths. Someone concludes its pollen. You know its summer when you don’t think it’s crazy to swim in a) the town fountain b) the library/art gallery fountain or c)the random arty sculptures around town which have water in them or d) splash around in the random water thing in the Opera House plaza. Normally the first two would be considered scum. Normally only little kids would splash in the latter. But in summer, I will jump in them clothes and all. Moreover, I will invite my out-of-town friends to do the same. They happily oblige, but only because no one knows them. When I suggest jumping in Wellington fountains they don’t seem so keen. I remember summer two years ago when Luke and I splashed and sat and lounged in the town fountain, the one split in half by the railway lines, by the city stage, the town clock. By everyone. And the little Pacific Islander kids jumping in with us, and their parents in their lavalavas going No! Oh such a bad influence. And even when it was semi-raining in the mugginess of it all, we sat in that fountain with the little kids and drank a 3Litre of orange juice between us, with straws. That day was good. I tried to write poetry about that day, but it never worked.

Music reminds me of a world beyond my own

Listening to Cat Stevens reminds me of driving around Wellington with Hamish that clear Friday night in August, and him making me close my eyes while he led me up Wrights Hill and Mount Vic so I could see the hugeness and wonder of the lights all at once. And standing on a corner of Cuba Street with my world on my back, alone but alive and being aware all at once. I love that. I will definitely backpack around the world someday; I love doing it around New Zealand: one night at each person’s house, in Wellington, and having everything I need on my person. It’s different to when you stay at one persons house for a week, when you feel you are bound to be there and to be home at a certain time even when no one even gave you a curfew. And it’s like when I went to Miramar for the first time: watching the dark streets unfold before my eyes and just trying to.. guess what my bus stop was ‘cause I had never seen it before.. you know? And bounding in to Miramar Baptist: late, and exhausted, and again, my backpack bulging with everything I needed. And walking down Lyall Bay and to Rongotai at midnight, and listening. Just listening. To the city and to William telling me his story. And leaving. Leaving the next morning at 6.15am, running down the huge Houghton Bay hill to greet the sleepy bus driver. Somehow. That’s what it reminds me of. All that. Arithmetic. By Brooke Fraser. That reminds me of those long summer evenings when I would deliver pamphlets. My back would be sore because I would carry so much! Hundreds and hundreds of pamphlets. But I would walk home, slowly, looking at the sky and the sunset and my street and listening to Arithmetic. “I’ve been staring at the sky tonight, marvelling and passing time. Wondering what to do with daylight until I can make you mine. You are the one I want. You are the one I want.” And thinking, why God? Why? Why have you given me writing? Why poetry? Its’ one skill you can’t make enough money to eat from. And God saying, “Sonya, I give you these scenes to write about.” And me still thinking about it when I see homelessness, and the man hunched over picking up chewing gum by the bank in town. And when I see the man outside the dairy with his sign: “Need money to get home to Wellington” and me thinking WHY? WHY? He is next to THREE churches and yet he is begging. And they walk past him! And me crying, and saying God bless you, and trying to give him money, but knowing people don’t approve of giving people money. And God reminding me again: “Sonya, I have given these stories and scenes so you can write about them.” That’s what Arithmetic reminds me of. Heartbeats. By Jose Gonzalez. That reminds me of when his mum was dying and the days were long. “One night to push and scream, and then relief.” And that night I went to his house and his Dad was writing thousands of words in Spanish, and we played Heartbeats on repeat. And at the funeral they played “Deadweight on Velveteen.” And I Grieve by Peter Gabriel. And him and I sitting on the couch outside in the Havelock setting sun and the fire brigade alarm resonating through the village and the last time I saw her, and she said goodbye. And I didn’t know what to say. And when he came to my house so we could go to church and he looked at me and I knew. I knew she had gone. And we went to almost every single fast food outlet in town and sat. and ate. and just were together. And it was good. And after the funeral when the dean took us and the others to the tapas bar in Havelock and just being together. And some had cranberry juice and some sipped beer but there being this enormous sense of peace, and comfort. And there was laughter. That was healthy. “I’ll Take Everything” by James Blunt reminds me of catching buses and opshopping with Phoebe in Petone. “Black-Eyed Susan” and “Sister I’m a Poet,” by Morrissey reminds me of being free from obligation, and freedom again. Like dancing down a main street, with a massive grin on your face. In your own world, but aware of the goodness everywhere. Sue Mun wrote the coolest poem about meeting Morrissey in a train station. I love that poem. “Baby, it’s cold outside” this old jazz song reminds me of hitch hiking with Wilbur, and swimming in the town fountain, and anything reggae and free reminds me of when we hitched home from Napier, and the driver who was a diver, and told us his life story and that was cool. And Wilbur telling me I couldn’t delete any of his music until I listened to it. Cuycocha by WARA reminds me of Luke’s Dad telling me stories of Peru. From the Inside Out by Hillsong United reminds me of standing in a crowd of over 20,000 at Parachute 08 when they played and the most incredible feeling, of being among all those people, all worshipping God. And the JOY within me, and how it felt like I was such a small part of this massive, awesome thing, but it was still IMPORTANT. And it started raining and the stars were so clear and just yelling out with such joy “A thousand times I failed, still your mercy remains.” “Your will above all else, my purpose remains, the art of losing myself in bringing you praise. Everlasting. Your LIGHT will shine when ALL ELSE FADES!” And REMEMBERING HIS GLORY goes beyond ALL FAME. And how the words meant so much. “Lord, my soul cries out..” When it’s all been said and done, there is just one thing that matters. Did I do my best to live for truth? Did I live my life for You? That song, with his soft Irish accent and the words being so meaningful yet so calm, always always assures me of the greater purpose beyond success. - Robin Mark “When It’s All Been Said And Done.”

Snow Patrol - Cars

If I lay here.. If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Found him

walking the streets with his new friends. Its 3am. He's still walking the streets with these randoms. He's 16. He has an exam on Monday. Which he is probably going to fail. This isn't a safe neighbourhood at night. Maaan. I should go to sleep. I want him home safe. I'm all annoyed and emotional.

I'm not going to nark, but I'm a bit worried

My brother snuck out! I just arrived home.. 1am Sunday morning right now and his window is wide open. WOW. My brother snuck out? That's not like him. He would have argued about not being let out to Thirsty tonight.. a CHURCH event.. but its 1am?? He'll probably be with those new old friends of his.. oh goodnesss gracious I might go for a walk and look for him? There's a drunken party of young teens a couple of doors down.. This is so weird. I've locked him out.. I want to know when he's home.. That boooy. He's done ZERO study, has an exam on Monday I love my brother. More than anyone else in the whole wide world.

Waiwera water is officially the world's best water

I can't wait to leave home. Really really. Next year is going to be a challenge. 6 hours down, 18 to go.

The Lowdown: DOGS.

The Scholarship English exam went pretty bad actually. I'm not going to make excuses: it was the worst Section A/Unfamiliar essay I have ever written in my life. Not just because I have no experience with dogs and therefore found it hard to be perceptive: I JUST SUCKED. Loved my Section C essay (rippped into the "postmodernist debarcle" of Crash) and Section B was okay so if I don't get Schol.. which I'm not going to get, I know.. I think.. its because of Section A. I know that afterwards Jo will want to see my paper to see where others can learn from my mistakes but I am just so embarrassed by it! Technically it wasn't really three essays it was 2 and then Section A but it was short and awful but it did have an introduction and conclusion. Dogs.. Trust NZQA to come up with unfamiliar texts on Dogs. I think it will be a future always in-joke between ScholEng kids.. just say DOGS and they get it. I think the funniest thing is that Elizabeth Knox's son Jack had to analyse a prose essay of his Mums in his Schol exam.. and he was in the essay.. and the dog was called Jack.. and he is called Jack. He had to basically analyse a representation of himself. How strange would that be!?! Maybe NZQA should check out whether, in this small country of ours, whether the pieces of writing they pick have authors which have children who are Year 13 English students. It's likely. Like how at school Anna Mackenzie can't judge the senior short story competition because her son and niece (and daughter, next year) are at school. And she is a well known young adult writer. She could easily pop up in a Level 1 or 2 unfamiliar paper. NZ is so small. The problem with having lots of intellectual friends and contacts especially through debating is how it makes me feel stupid sometimes. And that means I'm beginning to put my worth in my grades again.. which is BAD! I am more than an Excellence on a piece of paper.

Exams

I'm so tired. 3 hours down, 21 to go. And I really really want Schol English. And I'm tired.

HAKA!

Wellington College haka in the middle of Dixon Street makes me smile :) Haka stop traffic. I LOVE HAKA. I love our school haka so much. Today I wanted to do the haka at the leavers lunch, I want to do it at prizegiving, I loved when we did it at House Music, I loved when we did it for Ms Powles in the performance area, I loved when we did it at Mr Darks funeral, i loved when we did it on the OPERA STAGE! ME.. little Pakeha girl doing haka on the Opera House stage! It's a pride thing maybe.. its passionate, its loud, it draws you all together and it is POWERFUL! KO Karamu te kura wananga e ngaruru nei! i au au aue ha hi! I a haha! Ko te maunga e tu nei ko te matauranga! E te iwi taiohi piki mai ra aue takahia takahia kia kaha ra! ANEI MATAU TE KURA KARAMU E WHAKATUTUKI I TE WHAKATAU! KO TE MANU. KAI TE MATAURANGA NONA TE AO I a haha! Ko TE RAU KARAMu - He mana to te matauranga Ko TE RAU KARAMu - He mana to te matauranga tu ana tau ana AUE HI! Is being sad about leaving school a legit excuse for not studying?

Finishing Familiarity

I'm so scared.

Today

Today I realised just how much I want - need - to travel. Today I realised just how much I really love meeting new people that love to read and think! Today was a day of mixed emotion. Today I realised that I have so many things I want to experience and hopes and dreams to ACHIEVE and I worry that one life is just too short. Today I realised how hard it is going to be to overcome the expectations and limits that conform my extended family, and the mindset among my immediate family. I want to live a life depending totally on my Creator, trusting completely that He will provide. I want to live a life full of travel, one where I am constantly being challenged and made more open-minded by the real-life experiences and the people I meet. I want to write poetry the very very best I can possibly make it. I want to have a life that COUNTS. Not in fame or wealth or anything, because they fade away, but I want to always remember that "His Glory goes beyond ALL FAME." I want it to count in the way I interact with people, loving unconditionally even when it is hard and difficult. I want to learn to love in the fullest way I can. Jesus hung out with everyone. Prostitutes, tax collecters, lepers.. the ones NO ONE LOVED. I want to be Jesus to my world. I hate the look on my mum's face when I suggest I may just travel the world, or not marry or have kids, because I'm not all about planning. I might not even go to university! But if I do go to university, I want to make sure my motives are right, that I will take the time to truly learn because I love to learn, not go because it is suggested I need it for some normal career. And if I do go to university, I will make sure I do not rush through in stress, trying to get it quick, but take time to read, love, debate, think, discuss, analyse, challenge and bounce ideas off other like-minded or different-minded people. Maybe I will do one paper a semester for the rest of my life. Why not? I want to live simply. I want to be happy that what I have is more than enough, and I am thankful that I have been brought up by parents on government benefits, because even though it can be hard, and sometimes I have felt ashamed, I know they have taught me that money is not important, that God will always provide, and how to manage my money wisely. I want to always remember the sky is the limit. To always remember I am not bound by my past, or the fact my mum and dad couldn't pass fifth form. I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me! God has given me a brain, and I love to use it! I want to use my writing for HIM, to highlight injustice and the stories of people. I pray I will always remember these things.

Wrong subject..

I wrote a Scholarship English essay the other week. Normally, when my teacher likes what I'm writing, she puts little red ticks about every second line. This essay, there were only three little red ticks, all in the introduction. "Amdrew Motion's reflection of literature as a world that readers recognise, but is more disturbed than they realise, fits perfectly with the dystopian texts of the twentieth and twenty first centuries. Philosopher Slavoj Zizek sums up this literature as "reality as more than what it already is." Dystopian texts reflect the clear political and social issues readers recognise, taking them to their nightmarish conclusion in the context of "a world gone mad." Readers and filmgoers will often cement their own fears about the future through this all-too-similar world they see." After the intro, the ticks disappeared, until the red penned comments on the last page. "This is a superb essay. However it is a superb Media Studies essay, rather than a superb English one. Remember, in English essays, that every comment must be grounded in critical and specific analysis of the text itself, rather than the theory surrounding its construction. Lol. Wrong subject Sonya....

When It Rains - Paramore

It was hot today. Very hot. I walked to the library and studied Richard III. I find Shakespeare hard to study 'cause there's so much to study and so much to draw from it. Like I'm just reading the text taking notes as I go and I'd written paaages and pages of multicoloured felt tips and ink and I'd only read.. 8 pages. I watched Heavenly Creatures. I thought it was a bit slow at first but very good. Man. Intense friendships huh. Be warned. Tonight I had three options. a) Atomic's annual Fireworks/Sports/Barbecue/General Socialising out at Village Baptist with lots of different youth groups. b) My aunt and uncles 'P' housewarming party. Dad went as a priest in a pink wig, it was a HOOT. They bought an ex P-dealers house so that was the way of celebrating :) c) Shani and Emma's 18th drinks. Where am I? At home. My brother is at option A, my parents at option B, and most of my friends at option C. Last night was sweet. Went to Shani and Melissa's combined 18th (Yes, Shani had two parties :) which was so much fun. We had to run around town taking photos .. you know the game.. which was even more funny because the theme was "bad fashion" and I was wearing the ugliest concoction of clothing along with WHITE eyeliner and BLUE eyeshadow and SILVER lips. yes. Then dinner at Breakers Bar/Cafe and fireworks at Shani's after. I'm too exhauusted to go out tonight. Plus not really up for two shindigs in one weekend so close to exams.. Oh what a nerd am I :D I GOT INTO CAREYYYYYY!!!!! WOOT. Letter came today. So now I know there is Rach, Elysia, Nathan and I doing Intermission at Carey next year.. wonder who the other 16 will be? I haven't met Elysia or Nathan yet but YAY! New friends! When It Rains by Paramore is the meanest song to grin like a fool too when in a buzzy good mood and yell sing to. Need to ring Wilbur re: Summer plans. We still hitching to Christchurch?

Get Me Out Of Here.

I am over school. No one goes to class. We do nothing in class. If I wanted to do study in class it would be impossible because people yell and are distracting. Like today. I walked to geo there were 7 people (out of 33ish). People were throwing chairs. There was no teacher. I just left. I heard he came for a minute then left. I have finished all my internals. I would get more done at home. There is nowhere at school that is quiet for study. There is nowhere at home that is quiet for study during the day either. There are little children and parents that argue and talk. ARRRGGH. I HAVE EIGHT EXAMS.

SJ is happy. Up for some R-R Theory...?

I am content. Really really content. I like my life. I am not bound to any relationship or friendship. None is dependant. When relationships and friendships are unhealthy it really drains you. But I'm not in that situation.. I am social social but I love to be alone and read and think and absorb. "Whoever does not know freedom does not know solitude." I am free. Lately I have been reading reading reading. Not books - but Google Reader has become my best friend. I love to absorb knowledge and art and beautiful things and opinions. I subscribe to photographic blogs, fashion blogs, political rants(Read: David Farrar), Uni students who are politically active, School students who have quirky perspectives on the quotidian, Wellington arts scene updates, a budding NZ film maker trying to make it in the States' blog, numerous friends who have really awesome thoughts on God, "music futurists" i.e Gerd Leonhard (Year 13 media loves Gerd), the Sartorialist. The best thing is it all counts as study (Well: mostly...) Media schol study at least. "The fastest way to economic suicide is to put walls around your content." - Gerd Leonhard. MUSIC INDUSTRY DID YOU HEAR THAT? Tonight I investigated reader-response theory. I updated the page "Theory and Stuff" on our schol wiki and I enjoyed myself! I am actually a nerd.. a lit nerd. AND THAT'S OKAY :) I encourage anyone who may read this to check out the wiki - has some good thinking lit schol stuff. English: karamuscholashipenglish.wikispaces.com (Note the spelling error ;) Media: karamumediaschol.wikispaces.com I deactivated my facebook. I am astounded! Only 'til after exams, mind you!

I Can Dress Myself. Can I Take A Compliment?

Today the whanau and I went out to Turkish for tea. A rare occasion, as such meals cost money, which we kinda don't have, but since it was Mum's birthday, and probably the last time for years we'll be together, we went to Anatolia's Turkish Cafe. Sweet. On Friday in Palmerston North I bought this flipping amazing dress at Seekers MegaMart. Bright orange and white, rather old fashioned (I cut out the massive shoulder pads) but nicely fitted around the waist. Also long at the back but short at the front..I'll attack it with a sewing machine after exams. Mum thinks the dress is hideous, but Mum and I have never agreed on clothing: she's ultra-conservative. So I thought, as a test of my self consciousness, I will wear this dress to dinner. 'Cause even though I love it, I'm aware of the fact Hastings is not really a place of experimental dress. You know. It's a provincial town dressed as a city: not quite Cuba Street. But hey Miss SJC, don't care what they think. Be freeee! So I went a bit eclectic. Mean. Clashed some colours haha. Wore my AMAAAZING bag that I nicked (Read: he kinda gave it to me for my non-existant film) from the media props cupboard which is even more old fashioned than the dress, with my poetry shooes. While at dinner I saw Sask's mum, and of course we had a casual conversation: "You and Sask are neck-in-neck in English" etc. And she said "You're looking lovely tonight." Now, this is a compliment. Kirsty dresses nicely herself, and is very cool. But I was so AWARE of my outfit being slightly kitsche (Right word????) that I said something stupid like "Thank you. My mum thinks its ugly." ARRRRRGGH SJC just take the compliment! I also did the same thing at last years Year 13 Cabaret. I felt kinda poor, 'cause I'd spent twenty dollars on the entire evening (opshop shoes (10 bucks)(nice ones)/secondhand dress from my cousin/got a friend to do my makeup (gave her 10)) and all these girls had spent huuuundreds. So every time I got a compliment (which I got too many to count that night, honestly) about how stunning I was looking etc etc I felt like I had to explain myself or something. So I have decided. NO MORE DOWNING COMPLIMENTS. I can normally take them just fine, unless I'm feeling inferior because of some random reason. So I have decided I WILL NEVER JUSTIFY A COMPLIMENT. SJC, accept them gracefully, but don't feel embarassed 'cause you don't feel you deserve it. No one would have known I spent almost nil on the Cabaret in 2008 if I hadn't gotten all embarassed about my second-hand status. It's cool to be thrifty. And different. And accepting. I am quite/very accepting of myself, just some compliments are difficult. RIGHT. (Posted my Carey forms today.. OMgosh *nervous*) (Back to my media research.)

Personal Statement

"Life and spiritual history including any criminal conviction for which there was potential for a sentence of imprisonment." (No more than 500 words) I'm struggling. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TONE TO USE.

Cabaret :)

Young Woman of Potential Award Dinner

I felt special :) I got a big bunch of flowers. No one has ever bought me flowers before :) I smiled for lots of pictures with Pansy Wong, the Minister of Womens Affairs. :) He aha te mea nui? He tangata, he tangata, he tangata. What is the most important thing? It is people, it is people, it is people.

I've come to know.. my weaknesses. You make me strong.

Today I went to the common room in study period to cook my Mi Goreng noodles. I was hungry, and I can't work when I'm hungry. And I'm sure my lovely history teacher (who told me today she stays up at night worrying about me) would want me to focus in her class, and not distract everyone. So there I was, gonna eat some kai so I could work in period four. (As it was, I wrote like two sentences period four, but I blame my losing-my-glasses for that) I hang out in there most intervals and lunches, but not this week, 'cause its sunny, so we put the couch on the field and leave it there all week. So I didn't know the MICROWAVE WAS GONE. NOOOOO HOW COULD I COOK MY NOODLES? "Cameron, where did the microwave go?" "We got robbed in the holidays." "I'll use the jug." "It was stolen." "What?" "We have no appliances." No microwave. No jug. No hot sandwich press. No toastie pie maker. No hotdog cooker. Our "Kill 'em all - Let God sort 'em out" poster (or something to that effect) poster was gone. To be fair, I noticed that on Monday, so I'm not completely unobservant. They didn't steal the fridge.. probably because it was mouldy and disgusting. WE GOT ROBBED. BY whom? No one even knows our common room is where it is - a crappy, mouldy (just the fridge), rat-infested (okay, so just one rat was found in the rubbish bin) balcony over the squash courts. Back of the school. Up some stairs. A dump. WHO WOULD ROB IT? So I kicked off my shoes and found a plate (Corey smashed some a while back but we have some left) and carried my noodles in their bowl right across to the school and snuck in one of the food tech rooms and cooked my noodles and read trashy Women's gossip magazines while they cooked and then carried my noodles back across the school and ate them while Cameron and Carl talked about the latest sexytimes they've had with some girl at some party they are proud to not respect. Quite disgusting, but at least they respect some girls. In fact, they treat me awesome and mega respectfully. Rare. Carl 'fessed up today he liked me in Level One Economics. LOL. That class was such good times. 13 of us, all different, and a crazy cool cat-loving teacher. They point out that the girls who act trampy and gross and stuff, the ones that don't even respect themselves, who come on to any guy, they don't bother respecting. That's most girls in their world, I gather, from the way they talk about females. But they respect me. I'm not really sure why, but I'm glad of it. Cameron said I'm the "only Christian girl he knows who's actually Christian." Maybe that's part of it. Anyway. They were like : "Come see how we live! Just one weekend. Stealing signs and drinking Absinth and everything." Naa I'm all good. I've tried enough stuff in this life, and now I'm happy with who I am. I like to drink, but not get drunk. I don't like embarassing myself and my principal asking my friends if I'm okay! I like to walk around at night,but not in this town 'cause it's kinda dodgy at night. When I was fifteen I was chased down the street by a security guard, and had to hide in my neighbours woodshed. I don't want a repeat episode. I don't like that stuff. I tried it, but I live a much fuller life when I live for God. I'm much happier too. I don't need to try it all again. I remember it all quite well. This is my fun. I like dancing with Lou and Gerry and Lauren and Sera and Paul and Gary and Shani in cars and houses and MacDonalds drinking frozen cokes and hitching with Wilbur even though it scares me and hanging out with people in random cities and towns and writing poetry and singing on the waterfront and trying to skateboard and worshipping God and showing love to hurt people and having chats over coffee with Ash at the Coffee Club and having a nice glass of wine or sweet cup of tea. I have to give this speech tomorrow night at the ZONTA club Young Women of Potential Award dinner. I know I've already won but I still feel like I have to justify their decision to the audience. I saw a man, fumbling bowed over as he picked up the chewing gum someone else had littered. He did it quickly not drawing attention to himself but I saw him. When I asked my friend if she had seen him she could not recollect. - SJC "None are kess visible than those we decide not to see." - Stadtler Lewis

Final Cut Pro

Editing film is like chocolate and world domination and heaven and love and poetry all rolled into one neat chicken bun. Pity I didn't make a film last year. Editing is the biggest buzz.

Food for Thought: Libertarian

Libertarian ideas are good in theory,but I think in reality they don't work. Their policies on the website are a bit vague, after analysing them a bit. For example, their freedom of speech policy ended with the statement "If its legal to do... it, its legal to view/produce it." (paraphrased) But if you use the same logic, replacing "legal" with "illegal," then you couldn't depict any criminal activity, or sex between under 16s, or anything. No violence either. That is more drachonian that any leftie nanny state banter. Just some food for thought. I base my opinions off libertarianz.org.nz. I love thinking about this stuff.

"Device is the only hero of literature."

I disagree with the quote above. It was in a book about literary theory I tried to fumble through today, describing Russian Formalism. Whatever that is. I don't know much, but I like to learn. Tonight I watched two films. The Squid and the Whale, directed by Noah Baumbach. Goodbye Pork Pie, directed by Geoff Murphy. :)

Yes, sir, I live in a beautiful country.

Te Mata Peak, Havelock North, New Zealand. Photographer: Paul Brock

Little human centres.. living here

I just thought I would share a poem, as Wilbur sometimes asks to see some. This poem, and 2 others, can also be found in the anthology, DIY Graffiti: the 8th in the Re-Draft series, which I think can be ordered from this website: http://www.schoolforyoungwriters.org/Redraft/redraft.html Alleyway Dealings A man is gripping your hand and unscrewing the knuckles with a tool. He is carving your bones into ivory knick-knacks, like elephant tusks and cracked human skulls. But this is not a sing-a-long of God strung songs and clapping hands. Or who will marry whom? And where? No. The church is not open today. So here the sinners come instead, to watch your hands – those nuts and bolts and bits of lace as they become undone. Watch. In haste, an old man wets his pants. The children laugh and point their hands. Sonya J. Clark

We're calling fiercely.. through muffled spaces.

I'm going to throw away all my Vic Uni application stuff. I've hoarded it all year, knowing God wants me to go to Carey next year, but still toying with that cotton thread that says maybe... just maybe.. I'll be doing English and Media and Social Policy at Vic next year. But that stuff can wait. Life is only half-lived if it's not with God, maybe even less. Mrs TR would call me a 'raging Puritan,' right about.... now. I still remember the first day of Year 13 History when she made the Protestants sit on one side of the room and Catholics on the other, telling us to "feel the hate" in order to make us feel the Tudor-Stuart England experience more. She tried pushing the seating arrangement on us for a few weeks, but I felt a bit lost sitting in the middle, insisting I wasn't neither denomination, HONEST, just a crazy follower of Jesus, but she still looks at me sometimes, doing that small half smile.. "Oh, SJC, you're such a Puritan." I think I've forgotten how to write poetry. This is a problem as it's integral to living life in a full-stomached way. I'm writing an essay about living together. As in, humans coexisting in society in literature, not de-facto relationships. On Monday, my new friend Rory called me a "raging liberal" because I'm a fan of welfare and feeding people, but then I feel a bit stuck, 'cause I hate the whole nanny state thing.

I like Slavoj Zizek

"Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen."- John le Carre "Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish."~Herman Hesse. "...I do like words/ which is why I make things out of words/ and listen to their hints, resounding like skipping stones radiating circles..." "For the life of me I cannot remember: What made us think that we were wise and we`d never compromise. For the life of me I cannot believe we`d ever die for these sins. We were merely freshmen.." The Verve Pipe - "Freshmen"