My friend, Armitage.

I met this fellow in Year 12, or maybe it was Year 11. My teacher loved him. I remember excited discussions as the class discovered him more and more and I remember loving how he says things so bluntly yet so beautiful. I've kind of came to view his work as having a cruel, heartless emotion behind it, but I love it, because there still is feeling, but this drawn out distance. Like his poem about killing a hitcher, but its ambiguous as to whether it was just a fantasy. And Gooseberry Season, and November, and My father thought it bloody queer and Mother, any distance greater than a single span and Poem and The Shout and the one that starts 'Tricked into life with a needle and knife.. and so much more. And hardly any are online.

If I were to own any book I would want Book of Matches.

I've made out a will; I'm leaving myself

to the National Health. I'm sure they can use
the jellies and tubes and syrups and glues,
the web of nerves and veins, the loaf of brains,
and assortment of fillings and stitches and wounds,
blood - a gallon exactly of bilberry soup -
the chassis or cage or cathedral of bone;
but not the heart, they can leave that alone.

They can have the lot, the whole stock:
the loops and coils and sprockets and springs and rods,
the twines and cords and strands,
the face, the case, the cogs and the hands,
but not the pendulum, the ticker;
leave that where it stops or hangs.

**

'Boy with the name and face I don't remember,
you can stop shouting now, I can still here you."

Wikipedia says he is known for his 'critical seriousness'. It is all serious, but I like it.

Today was amazing.. talking to Jackie for the strengths finder = wow wow wow. 

I miss having a bed.

Yeah, I really do. Crawling onto a messy mattress just isn't as restful. You can't sit up in it all cuddly and be on your laptop. I miss a bed. I'm almost tempted to somehow get a double in my wee room just cause a bed a bed a bed a bed a bed

Happier note: A Poem I like A LOT, stolen from Luke's blog

Past One O’Clock written by Russian poet Vladimir Mayakovsky.

This poem was found among Mayakovsky’s papers after his suicide on April 14, 1930. He had used the middle section, with slight changes, as an epilogue to his suicide note.

Past one o’clock. You must have gone to bed.
The Milky Way streams silver through the night.
I’m in no hurry; with lightning telegrams
I have no cause to wake or trouble you.
And, as they say, the incident is closed.
Love’s boat has smashed against the daily grind.
Now you and I are quits. Why bother then
To balance mutual sorrows, pains, and hurts.
Behold what quiet settles on the world.
Night wraps the sky in tribute from the stars.
In hours like these, one rises to address
The ages, history, and all creation.

The Bedbug and selected poetry, translated by Max Hayward and George Reavey. Meridian Books, New York, 1960

Thoughts of a sleepy/on caffeine pills and stoked on interesting classes, Sonya Jasmine

Things that aren't cool: man outside my bedroom door at 7.30am checking the filter of the HRV thing when I only went to bed at 5.30.

So, last night, this morning, had some good old chats with my good friend Taylor. And he kind of made me aware/I became more aware through conversation that I have become quite negative about my future over the course of.. leaving school! Since leaving school. Well it actually went something like this 'me do long rant about how I'm gonna end up teaching English in a NZ high school etc etc and how I'm gutted but actually actually what else will my BA do?' and there's a pause and a 'Sonya, that's very negative.' Yes! I am shocked to acknowledge in myself that I don't see my future as bright or sparkly as I did a year ago!

I had some pretty crazy and exciting dreams in my final year, of what life after school would look like. Things I would/did would like to do include starting a sustatinable/co operative, publishing books of epic poetry etc etc but now I'm like, really, Sonya?

Why? Why is this? I could attribute this to being a boring adult. Paying bills and budgets and time constraints and a lot of this year is self awareness and I'm realising my lack of self-discipline means I don't work as hard as I should do therefore I won't get far. Oh that's so negative! So accepting of a fate which actually isn't fate! I can change this! I need to! The Bible is big on making good use of what you have - I have skills and time yet, does my use of time reflect my core values? I really really like that thought. No, I didn't think of it. No, my use of time often doesn't reflect my core values.

Think. I now do not really associate writing with my identity. Taylor and I established this is probably because as time passes from high school achievements and stuff that gave me cred, you have less to say to people if they ask. Like the gap between high school where smart kids have a lot of achievements and then the gap of say ten years or more until you actually start achieving. Like as an undergraduate there's little recognition to be had for years but thats the point - its where the work work work has to come in. But there's the risk of losing your dreams because this stage of life requires a great deal of self-motivation as the rewards are a long long way away

IF if after I do my BA and probably some post-grad or whatever.. IF IF IF I go.. oohh i should go to teachers college now cause thats secure and safe and IF IF IF I end up teaching at a local high school at like age 20-something and IF IF IF I just acccept that is my lot in life and have a kid and get married and COMPLETELY LOSE THE BELIEF I CAN soooooooaaaarrrr! can all youu readers PLEASE PLEASE okay well ya knooww you probably won't but this is just a cry to the Sonya within - DON'T LOSE THE PASSION, GIRL.

Don't lose the belief you can do great things! Work, girl! Taylor was like 'Sonya, 8 months and you've finished just ONE poem?' That is shockiing. It is, right, when I consider writing important to me and to life and to the world and to art and to part of my lifes purpose. BUT this year doing the Jesus stuff is so so useful and beautiful and amazing but

DON'T LOSE THE NAIVETY YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD
I don't actually have any intentions to actually change the world, but to go far far beyond what people say is possible or my background says can be done or to succumb to mediochrity or just floooaat and not make an IMPACT and

oh, Sonya, my dear friend
go home and do your essay
and don't you dare let life pass you by

Don't you dare be cynical about your OWN future
ESPECIALLY when so many people have always BELIEVED in you
when circumstance said things weren't possible

Look where you are now! tertiary study! Three years ago that wasn't an option.

I got up at 9 had breakfast, a no doze (caffeine pill), went to an exciting class where we discussed pokies and crime rates in New York and abortion and broken windows theory, skipped down the corridors, often running, ate lunch, and more lunch and DEBATED stuff (its been a whiiile) and and here I am

Don't you dare settle for mediochrity, Miss Sonya. Especially when people believe in you. Remember what Mrs. Taylor wrote in your history book on the last day of school. Remember the words of your teachers. Remember how they believed in you! How they saw themselves in you and told you so! Remember the radical lengths they went to to help you have the same opportunities as others! Remember, remember

I remember the night Gerard and I hit the realisation we won't live ordinary lives
despite perceived circumstance
It was a beautiful moment

I love catching Mick's eye and he  knows exactly what I'm thinking. Goofy grins and crinkly eyes.
As we walked down the stairs he was like 'Sonya. People have lost the value of doing a BA to learn how to learn. They try to equate everything with jobs.'

Things I don't like about myself

I can only do one thing at a time! Like tasks. I have three things to achieve this week. Yet I will be unproductive if I don't do them one at a time until completion.. Who are these multitaskers? I just don't function that way.

Focus! What is focus? I am forever trying to learn more things. I am understanding myself better this year. I did that test and got input 'collecting ideas and thoughts and knowledge and quotes' as my number one strength. This can be a problem. Like I will be lying down in the dark trying to sleep and just think but oh! I must learn something before I sleep! And I will read a poem or something and then of course the ideas just swirl in my head and won't go away

In the same test it was like: 'accept the constant mental hum'. Oh yeah? Accept it! How do I rest from.. myself?

The days improve

It is good to be here. It is good to know Jesus. It is good. Good.

I have actually never been more lost in my life.
But I know, I know I know I know that I will not give up my faith. Walking away is not an option.
So then, what? What am I still sure of?
You know, God, it would be really really nice if you could be here right now. Oh, I know you're here, that's not what I mean. But like be really obviously here. Ya know. With a cup of tea and a beard or whatever it is you do.

Shattered.

I am shattered. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, heart, mind, body, toes, fingers. I cannot sleep, I am continually told to eat more.

I tried to have a bath but somehow the whole whanau ended up in the bathroom. Privacy can be an issue.

The worst bit is I cannot feel, only think. Its like the opposite of what my faith used to be.Of who I used to be. And I feel like I have been strange recently.Even when I sleep I am not sleeping, I am thinking.

I vomited on the bus. It can be dehumanising clutching a toilet on a bus, on the ground. I had a beautiful moment, though, with two cups of tea and A Book of Luminous Things, sitting in a truckstop diner on state highway 2. I think that is the most beautiful book of poetry I have ever read or owned.

I came home and looked through the stuff I left behind. I felt like I was meeting a different person. The framed picture of his family on the bookshelf. The favourite children's books, my Plunket record, describing a lovely baby girl. School yearbooks. Everything here is the same. Almost. The stuff God put on my heart years ago to do is now being done by others.

Jesus, fill me. Please. I want to cry. I do not know how anymore. I am enjoying my newly bald, affectionate brother who has the biggest heart and one of the bravest hearts too.

Galveston Bay, Bruce Springsteen. Beautiful. Thank you, Taylor :)

Going back to bible college? My head is fractured enough as it is.
Lord! Spirit! Jesus! Take me to the place where we first met.

I am here.

Where do I start to reflect? It has been suggested I start off the trip, off the page. I feel quite in limbo. Limbo is one of my favourite poems. By Seamus Heaney of course. I remember reading this to the class and writing angry essays against why a Church would do this when Jesus started off in love. Same thing today, huh.


Fishermen at Ballyshannon
Netted an infant last night
Along with the salmon.
An illegitimate spawning,


A small one thrown back
To the waters. But I'm sure
As she stood in the shallows
Ducking him tenderly


Till the frozen knobs of her wrists
Were dead as the gravel,
He was a minnow with hooks
Tearing her open.


She waded in under
The sign of the cross.
He was hauled in with the fish.
Now limbo will be


A cold glitter of souls
Through some far briny zone.
Even Christ's palms, unhealed,
Smart and cannot fish there.


So over this time I am in limbo. I don't think I am in a cold glitter of souls in some far briny zone but it would not surprise me if that were true. Because my head is full of things and thoughts that must must be turned into action but there are so many. If I were to become all of this I would be a vegan part-time worker in some literary thing spending the rest of my time with the poor (bivocationalism, downward mobility etc etc. new words in my vocab) and I would never never eat bananas. But then I ponder things like the SPIRIT like like like


I don't know I don't know
I am looking forward to moving to Wellington next year but I am becoming uncertain at my leaving and leaving
It is more that we, I, us, desire depth not breadth in our friendships


and yes.
And a book closed yesterday. Someone held a giant pen and wrote on the earth a nice ending to a novel that will come out in small portions in this girls poetry in the future. And the book closed when the girl and the boy or the woman and the man walked apart, one towards government and one towards the train station. Pick which one you would like. And there was nothing more to say. And there was nothing more to do. And there was nothing more to stew over, to think or ponder on, for some would say it is finished. And one floated one way and one floated another. But here they are. Now. Apart and finalised. It is funny how life turns out. I like where my life is going. And so did the man who walked to the train station. But they still must part ways. And they did.


I'm not sure if I'm homeless tomorrow night but whatever.


Today I was walking down a giant fleet of steep bushy concrete steps when I heard my phone yelling and a voice saying Tom had died. I told my parents never to scare me that way again for I was walking down a giant fleet of slippery concrete steps on Garden Road and they KNOW there are too many Toms.


I cooked beef stew for fourty people. I like that I am capable but I do not like that I cannot drive. I like herbs and I like that this house is full of books. I want God to fill me up and up so that I burst over and I wish my throat was not so sore.


Most of all I am behind in my academic work but I will get to that.
I am getting my nose pierced which I like. My brother shaved his head today.


I will end this now for it makes no sense. I hope you enjoyed this.
Dear Asian spammers, please stop commenting my blog with random proverbs.

Someone else's good lyrics

I like songs about drifters, books about the same. They both seem to make me feel a little less insane. Walked on off to another spot. Still haven't got anywhere that I want.

IENFP

I'm figuring that I'm half Introverted/half extroverted. I like this.


This stuff is INTERESTING man. Like there's these forums: enfpforum.com haha and all these people discuss themselves and their relationships. Lol.


If I married an ENFP the children wouldn't get fed, apparently.


Edit: Just did another quiz. I am extroverted yes, but a bit more balanced with the introvert, and I'm feeling, yes, but a bit more balanced with the thinking stuff. But 100percent perceiving over judging. Interesting.


I FIND THIS WORLD SO INTERESTING! Aren't humans FASCINATING?

Essay.

This essay will discuss the connections between postmodern teacher Rob Bell’s lecture, “Everything is Spiritual (2007), and the teachings of Mick Duncan on foundation level Christian Worldview and Theism. As this year has unfolded, the biggest revelation, for me, has been the increasing nature of the grey areas of Christianity. While many Christians adamantly support Rob Bell’s teachings, many at Carey Baptist College included, a definite number also label him a false teacher, warning to ‘be careful’ while reading his books. Rob Bell himself invites us to question all teaching, including his own, to 'jump on the trampoline' and continue bouncing ideas around.  I personally have found this extremely confusing. I am starting to see all preaching as one of many interpretations and all teaching as just one of many, which all appear as valid as the others. Thus, this postmodern culture has led me to carefully consider: What are the core concepts my faith is based on, considering so much is uncertain? 

This is for my future reference, while I'm away without my laptop.

I've been researching myself: ENFP

I see the majority of this in myself, but some in lesser doses. I think it is important to remember that while these personality things are helpful, people are all different. Some of the negative characteristics in all personality types may only flourish in extreme circumstances. In a way I don't like looking through these things because they cause you to overponder about relationships around you.  There is a lot of disagreement and angry comments on some of these sites! While insightful, probably best not to take these things ultra seriously. I think I - understand myself well - so just ask me..  I pretty much do agree with all of this though. There isn't anything I strongly disagree with.


"ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people" ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped. Yup.

• 
  
  
  
  
  all ENFPs will recognize the following characteristics in themselves. They should embrace and nourish these strengths:
  ·        They’re exceptionally perceptive about people and situations.  They’re often able to quickly and accurately assess where someone is coming from.
  ·       They accept and value people as individuals, and are strongly egalitarian.  They believe that individuals have the right to be themselves, and are very tolerant and accepting of most people.
  ·        They’re often deep and intelligent, and may be quite brilliant in their ability to tie things together.  They’re wired to look for connections in the external world, and so they may mentally put things together more easily than others.
  ·        Their interest in understanding the world usually makes them in tune with what’s socially acceptable and what isn’t.  This may help them to be popular and likeable.
  ·        They’re highly creative.  This ability may be used in an artistic way, or may be used to generate ideas and new ways of thinking.

• NFPs are passionate about their beliefs, whatever they may be.  They often stubbornly adhere to their value system regardless of threats to its validity.  They are more concerned with keeping true to what they believe than they are with expectations or demands from the social group that they function within. ENFPs dislike personal criticism, because it threatens their validity as an individual and the validity of their value system.  ENFPs may internalize anger rather than express it; their respect for other individuals makes it difficult for them to hurt others.  An ENFP’s feeling of success depends upon the availability of opportunities to grow their understanding of the world, upon feeling that they’re living true to their personal value system, and upon the condition of their closest relationships.
• 
  
• In national sample "Leisure Activities," overrepresented in "Writing," "Appreciating art," "Playing musical instrument," "Listening to music," "Reading"
• Underrepresented in "Watching TV for leisure" and "Watching TV 3 or more hours per day."
• Academic subjects preferred: art, English, music.
• In national sample, lowest of all types in liking work environments where "Everything is done by the book"
• 1 of 3 highest types in liking "Independence & achievement," "Teamwork," and "People from different backgrounds."
• Most important feature on an ideal job: creativity and originality.
• In national sample, dissatisfied with "Promotions" and "Salary"; satisfied with "People I work with" in their jobs.
• With ESTJs, had highest total coping resources of all the types.
• Ranked 1st of all 16 types in using social and emotional coping resources and 2nd in using cognitive resources.
• In national sample, ranked lowest in coping with stress by "Developing physical symptoms."

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. (Link goes to website where most of this is from) They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

Relationships: ENFPs make warm, considerate, passionate partners who are generally willing, eager, and able to do whatever it takes to make The Relationship a positive place to be. They are enthusiastic, idealistic, focused on other people's feelings, and very flexible. These attributes combine to make them especially interested in positive personal relationships, and also makes them very able to promote strong relationships in fun and creative ways. ENFPs take their commitments very seriously, and are generally deeply loyal and faithful to their partners.

There are a couple of difficult relationship areas for the ENFP. The first problem is that many ENFPs have a problem leaving bad relationships. They tend to internalize any problems and take them on their own shoulders, believing that the success or failure of the relationship is their own responsibility. As perfectionists, they don't like to admit defeat, and will stick with bad situations long after they should have left. When they do leave the relationship, they will believe that the failure was their fault, and that there was surely something they could have done to save the relationship.

ENFPs may also feel threatened by individuals with strong Judging preferences. With a tendency to take any criticism personally, the ENFP may find themselves irritated or emotional when the Judger expresses a negative opinion, believing somehow that the Judger is expressing disapproval or disappointment in the ENFP.


For close friendships, ENFPs are especially drawn to other iNtuitive Feeling types, and to other Extraverts who are also enthusiastic about life. Like the other iNtuitive Feeling types, the ENFP needs authenticity and depth in their close relationships. They're likely to have friends from all walks of life who they feel close to and care about, but will have only a few very close friends with similar ideals to their own. The ENFP also tends to value the company of iNtuitive Thinkers.


Parenting: ENFPs take their parenting role very seriously, but are also very playful. There's a bit of grown-up kid in every ENFP, so they get a lot of fun and enjoyment from playing with their children. However, they consider it essential to pass their strongly-held values and beliefs down to their children, and will strive consistently to create a positive, ideal environment for their children's growth.
The ENFP is able to take care of day-to-day necessities, such as picking children up at the correct times, getting them to softball practice, getting them fed, etc. However, it is a chore for the ENFP and is not a natural strength. The ENFP also has a difficult time disciplining their children, unless a very strongly-held value has been violated.


ENFPs are basically happy people.


In work: ENFPs generally have the following traits:

• Project-oriented
• Bright and capable
• Warmly, genuinely interested in people; great people skills
• Extremely intuitive and perceptive about people
• Able to relate to people on their own level
• Service-oriented; likely to put the needs of others above their own
• Future-oriented
• Dislike performing routine tasks
• Need approval and appreciation from others
• Cooperative and friendly
• Creative and energetic
• Well-developed verbal and written communication skills
• Natural leaders, but do not like to control people
• Resist being controlled by others
• Can work logically and rationally - use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it
• Usually able to grasp difficult concepts and theories

Possible Career Paths for the ENFP:

• Consultant
• Psychologist
• Entrepreneur
• Actor
• Teacher
• Counselor
• Politician / Diplomat
• Writer / Journalist
• Television Reporter
• Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst, or Computer Specialist
• Scientist
• Engineer

Unlike the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.


Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.


People naturally confide in the Champion (ENFP). That's why they make such good mediators, counselors, teachers, consultants, and reporters. Any position that outreaches to others can fit the Champion. They can be columnists, journalists, publicists, copy writers, advertising account executives. In the arts they can be character actors, cartoonists, art educators. If they choose jobs such as restaurateur, be sure that their business sites will be unique and designed for a particular type of customer. Don't be surprised to see them as an inventor. This type of personality wants to experience the whole of life and may change careers more often than many other types. Says Charles, "I've had a number of jobs and when there is nothing left to create, I move to something new. I want my life to be spiced with newness, love, and joy."


Champions (ENFP) need a study environment that is stimulating. They have a very difficult time working alone and quietly. They work best when their ideas bounce off someone else. Paul studied and studied for his psychology mid-term. It didn't seem to help. Then he went to a study session. As he started talking and getting feedback, he was amazed at how much he actually knew. He aced the exam.


Idealist women tend to be very romantic. They love to give and receive tokens of affection, such as an original poem, a hand carved box, or an item which reminds them of some shared experience. Men often appreciate their compassion and empathy along with their belief in others. When dating, they hope they'll get to know each other through deep conversation. 
Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs


The Champion is usually a bundle of energy, but they can become exhausted if they are overloaded with work. They also will experience stress if their values and principles are violated and they see others in the company being hurt by policies that kill the human spirit. Then they become hypersensitive to what is going on around them. Facts become exaggerated. They have feelings of paranoia and may withdraw. To regain their equilibrium, meditation will help. Kindness and support by others, but not patronization, will help them get back to normal. Says Gloria, "I'd given a number of years of support to one boss, then he started bad-mouthing me. It threw me into a turmoil. I became suspicious of him and everyone else. Then a friend said that the boss was blowing up at everyone, not just me, and encouraged me to look at a position in a new section. I meditated to become centered again, then applied for the job. I love my new job and now life is great again. My old boss retired; he was drinking too much."


ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.


ENFPs are well aware of their weaknesses, often being their own harshest critic; they may sarcastically put themselves down before others do, because secretly they may expect to be humiliated. Often the ENFP is reluctant to share intimate feelings unless in the company of deeply trusted relationships. Some ENFPs have difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.


Give ENFPs the freedom to be flexible. Realize that churning through possibilities inspires their minds and get their creative juices flowing. Don't bog the unsuspecting ENFP down with too many details, especially on any subject not known to be of deep interest to him or her. Involve the ENFP in the process and try to keep things fun. When communicating with ENFPs you will find that many like to talk. Do not hesitate to interrupt and state your opinion. ENFPs enjoy speculating about ideas, and will do so for hours on end. They enjoy others who engage them in conversation, contribute their ideas and keep it moving in a positive direction. Overall ENFPs appreciate overt honesty in others, they want to know the truth, even if it is not nice or pleasant, they want to know how people "really" feel. ENFPs are easily influenced by what other people say. It may not appear that they are listening when they are talking to you, but soon after the conversation ends they often ponder what the other person has said and incorporate those ideas into their own thinking to use the knowledge for the future.


10) Remember, ENFPs are hard to figure out. Most of what we feel cannot be put into words or understood.

updates, downdays

Feeling ill, phone calls from certain people stress me out

In pain: not allowed sugar, bread, fruit

Plough through pages, words, beans, lentils.

Counting down the days, the word counts

Dancing around the house in flesh-coloured tights gets funny looks when people come home

and when I run outside to get the mail, I wonder what it looks like to the neighbours

Scarves, heart-printed t-shirts, cardigans found in tents

Pages that analyse the eighteen year old brain, the need for mentors, loved ones, dreams

Yes.

Some days you have a head full of clouds
and then you come home and read about 60's artists with 
raspy voices, deep voices,
lost
voices
and then your head becomes clear
in a not-clear way
but a clear way
a happy way


and you lie on the floor of someone else's house
and listen to late night music videos
and read current affairs stuff all about big ideas like money and Remuera millionaries and egalitarianism and living to 100 and healthcare and all Auckland cares about is money according to the magazines


and then you think on the song letter and know
that it is good 
and friendship is good
and hot water bottles
and warm houses
and wool coats are good, also


and Joni Mitchell and I would be good friends, I think,
if only we met, but that is the point
that we would never meet, we would just roam

Nothing.

I have nothing to say, and everything to say. I know nothing yet I know.. some things. I am happy yet sometimes I am sad.  I know what I want to do in life, yet I have no idea what that will look like, if I actually want those things, or if everything will change. Tomorrow. Tonight. Suddenly. I know about love, do I? But I know nothing about love. But I know a lot. But still nothing. Nothing. Everything. 

Lead me to the cross (Brooke Fraser)

This song has one of the biggest impacts any song has had on me. It is so self-less, about giving up all of me and giving it to Jesus. All of me. That is not easy. I am brought back to the focus of my faith when I sing this - it is about Christ, and his will, not mine. It is not about me. That is hard, right, in this crazy world.


Saviour I come, quiet my soul. Remember: redemption's hill, where your blood was spilled, for my ransom. Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost - Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees; Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me, lead me to the cross. You were as I, tempted and trialled, human. The word became flesh, bore my sin in death. Now you're risen! Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees; Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me, lead me to the cross.. to your heart, to your heart. Lead me to your heart. Lead me to your heart.


Here is the song: Lead Me To The Cross - Brooke Fraser