Sometimes I feel like a bit of a
bad person at IM, 'cause people often struggle with
the tension of prioritising family and friends and God and study and social and
work... etc. And the common thread is how important family is to everyone, and
how people desire to more be close to their family.. and I sit there thinking..
woops.. Should I struggle with
this? Is it bad that I have
not once missed my
family? Or wished I was at home? Or needed to call my mum to pour my heart out?
And while we're there Ms. Sonya, why do you not want to
go home in the September holidays? Eh?
Why do you feel so happy? It
sometimes feels like everyone else (in class) has a strong desire to connect
with their family in the midst of business.. and I'm like.. hmmm.
Here's the thing, right? I love my family. I am looking forward to seeing
them in five weeks, for a week. And I do enjoy chatting to them. But I call or
they call about once a week.. and its.. fine.
And you know what? They seem fine with the arrangement too. I think my
parents always knew that once I left home, I wouldn't be running home every
five minutes. Mum and Dad don't complain at me about our new relationship since
I've left home.
And I find it hard
to empathize, too. One of the girls in IM - her sister and brother have just
moved overseas, plus she's moved from very-small-town NZ to Auckland as well,
all within three months, from a close family. I know she's found it difficult,
and misses them a lot, and talks to them a lot. But often I end up getting off
the phone from my whanau and just feeling.. more stressed than before.
But I sit there, listening to her,
and struggling to understand! And my mind wanders, and I just end up pondering
myself and if I'm doing something wrong or bad or if I don't love or care
enough?
I did worry actually, for the first
month. A lot. Because I would talk to Mum and Dad would just be yelling/talking
at her and I would be like oh maaan what I do? It's hard to talk to one parent
while the other is constantly at them. And now, out of home, I get told every
single little concern my parents have with my younger brother, like tonight I
got a detailed description of how they thought he'd come home at three for a
family function but he biked home at one in the morning.. He is leaving home
next year. When I was at home I carried/helped explain to my parents my
brother's behaviour, reassured them bla bla.He's doing just fine. In fact, I
hear of random AWARDS he's got - this
sounds awful but I can't ever
recall my brother getting awards? He sold some art at an exhibition at age 12,
that was cool. But this year he's won a silver model at the Junior Hospitality
Awards and WON first-place in the soap box competition (he mimed while his
friend spoke) of a talent quest at the Opera House and gained his First Aid
Certificate and.. cool man. I feel now like did I overshadow him? Did he not
want to try because I got the attention? Maybe. Or I think its more that this
year he's in his element - the school is letting him do the subjects he wants..
hospitality and art and photography and geography as opposed to science and
EXAM English which he hated both of. I think he also sees the end sight of end
of Year 12 as freedom so he is doing what he loves, well.
Things helped at Easter Camp. The
speaker encouraged us to close our eyes and think of Jesus, in a physical
sense, in a situation that worried us? i think. Anyway, it was like Jesus was
at the door of my house back home - standing at the front door - which is also
at ninety degrees to my bedroom window and he said to me
"Sonya, you may not
be here but I am."
I have often felt like I carried
aspects of my family but that has helped a lot.
I THINK: also a lot of the reason I
have not been hard out into missing and wanting to be with my family is that my parents, my life, my community,
my school have prepared
me well for life as an independent young adult.
I have always known the value
of money, have paid for most things myself (or worked to get scholarships which
have funded things) and, especially in the last two years, have found and made
the opportunities in my life, without my parents providing these for me.
Mum and Dad never stopped me growing up. I think i grew up well - a little
too fast, sometimes.
I have never ever heard the term daddy's girl in my house. Dad, for as long as I
can remember, has described me as, and expected me to, be and act mature. I don't know if it's true, but he
tells people I act older than my age. And that helps, when a father has that
confidence in your ability to function independently.
And so when I started travelling
around, starting with bussing to Wellington at age 16 to stay with a boy I had
met at Easter Camp, for a week, they let me. They didn't ring me every day and
as time passed, they didn't ring at all. There was the "I've arrived"
text and the "my bus arrives in Hastings at 7pm" text at the end. My
parents didn't expect me to plan everything in advance: they trusted that I
would sort out rides home from parties and buses home from travels. They always
showed me a high degree of trust - and fliiip, that helped me grow up.
Yeah, I did stuff they
wouldn't approve of. But even when they found out that I'd done 'bad stuff'
they didn't change their expression of trust. Mum and Dad were, also,
incredibly genuine and nice towards guys that I would bring over. While my
uncles would 'joke' to their daughters/daughters boyfriends about having guns
and knives and hurting boys.. Dad wouldn't tolerate any discussion like that.
When uncles would tease me about guys, Dad would stop them, always being my
number one defendant, defending my choice of male friends, always commending
them, always defending my capacity for responsible choices. He believes in me.
I recently found out one of
my uncles made his daughters boyfriend sleep in his WARDROBE when he stayed
over (i.e alone with the dad, in the one-roomed top storey of the house): Mum
and Dad thought this showed a high degree of mis-trust and wouldn't help the
young couple make responsible decisions for themselves. Way to demean a young
man.
There was a time, there, when I
struggled and struggled with the fact my family does not express love through
words. Words of affirmation are one of my main 'love languages' so you have a young girl saying: 'Daddy am I pretty? and a
teen saying 'What do you think of my hair?' to which Dad would often grunt
back: 'It's interesting,' in a nongenuine tone. It sucked more when friend's
fathers would call their daughters (and me) beautiful, and then express wild
dismay at the fact my father would not do the same. Gradually, though, two
things happened. I realised my self-worth was what God, my heavenly father,
thought of me - and his affirmation was me was endless and unconditional, and
also 2) A few boys/men also constantly affirmed my outer and inner beauty. Not
that I advocate turning to guys for your beauty self-worth, and it wasn't a
large part - but it does help when you have good male friends who believe you
are beautiful no matter what, and tell you so. I don't believe I turned to guys
as a replacement, more that good men and boys affirmed what God was working on.
Now - I think I have one of the healthiest self-esteems/self-awareness and
self-acceptance of all the females I know. And my father rarely called me
beautiful. But you know what my Dad DID DO? He would tell me he admired,
respected the DECISIONS I made for my life. It;s on my 16th/18th birthday cards
- he approved of my friendships, also. "He who walk with the wise grow
wise." And when Dad made comments like that he showed me what really was
and is important. To make wise decisions and to have good friendships.
When my extended family would
encourage marrying young- and talk as if that were the norm - Dad would remind
me he didn't expect me to follow that pattern, but to be in no hurry. I
remember asking Dad for an age I was 'allowed' to have a boyfriend. In
Christian circles, at the time, it seemed every parent put an 'age' on their
daughters, normally 16,17,18. Dad refused to give me an age, instead
encouraging me to not get serious too young. Therefore, because I did want to
please my parents, I never got around to dating seriously, once I realised I
didn't want to settle and be serious while young, either!
I do remember Dad being
angry/shocked/arguing with me when I was 16, and determined to go to
university. Which, to a father trying to get by on a sickness benefits, and
knowing the knocks of life, was probably scary: his first response was : HOW ON
EARTH WILL IT BE PAID FOR? And his assumption I would work and get married was,
probably valid, when you're living week to week like they were and are. So we
shook on it: he would pay for the wedding (whenever that comes around) and they
wouldn't pay a cent for me, my life, housing, studies after I left home. It was
all good for me - I wasn't expecting a cent after I left home, and I wasn't
expecting for any money for any possible wedding, either! He is still saving
five dollars a week, in a jar in a safe, two years later. I told him tonight
can we please put it in a bank account - it could earn quite a bit of
interest by the time I end up marrying!
But after that, and when God
started providing scholarships and funds, he was my biggest supporter. And
later on, when I decided to put uni aside for a year, to move to Auckland and
do a random gap year at bible college called Intermission.. he was all for me
making that decision, while Mum wanted me to do the more orthodox route of
English Lit at the closest university. While Mum tries to remind me to stay
close to home as I grow older and wilder and less limited by my upbringing, Dad
tells me he half-expects me to live overseas anyway - so not to worry. It seems
like it was a long time fighting with my father for the right to go to uni -
and there was a long time of proving myself as adequate for that. And so when I
told my parents, last year, I might not even go to uni, if God clearly called
me somewhere else - Mum freaked, while Dad - he didn't remind me of my
struggles, he was basically like - do what you love, and make sure you know
God's in it all. Sometimes I have felt like my upbringing tied me down - the
constant talk of the importance of marrying young from my Mum's family, the
constant awareness of our lack of money and government-dependence - but, along
with truly amazing schoolteachers, I feel like Dad has given me the greatest
permission to fly far, and free.
When I was fifteen, I was sprung by
a friend's mum, who read her son's phone and realised what naughty stuff we had
got up to a massive summer Christian music festival with people we had met of
the opposite gender.. Her text to me detailed she would be notifying my
parents. I was petrified. I'd actually been quite open with them during this
summer of rebellion (and doing my fingers at the church and Christianity,
effectively: I was an angry little girl during this time, and frustrated at
what I saw as a lack of authenticity) so they probably assumed I hadn't been an
angel anyway. I sat them down, told them exactly what I'd done and why my
friend's mom was so angry, and I
will ALWAYS ALWAYS hold their reaction in my heart as an example of love and
grace (CHURCH: LISTEN UP!)
Firstly, Dad wasn't even interested
in what i'd done. He didn't want to growl me for my naughtiness, he was only
interested in what the texts had said that had got 'this woman so worked up.'
And what he did? He said: Sonya, when I was young I did the same thing at a
Christian camp (only worse, the girl told the leaders) okay so you don't want
descriptions of my dads antics.. but it was reassuring for me at the time. And
then he opened his bible, not to the messages of sexual
immorality and sin but to the story in John 8 where Jesus tells the woman
caught in adultery, that he does not condemn him, and to go and sin no more..
And that was all.
And with that, I went to my friend
Paul's pool around the corner, where my friends were waiting for me.
I wish I could say that my friend
who's Mum had been so angry, did the same thing. No. She almost sent him to
counselling, or threatened it at least. She did not let him go to that music
festival the following year. And I think of it this way - Dad's actions turned
me towards Jesus, his love, grace and church, where my friend's mums actions
pushed him further away from church. My parents carried on as if nothing had
happened (for aren't stuff-ups a part of life?) and in turn showed me I did not
have to be burdened with guilt forever. I think they saw that my embarrassment
was punishment enough, and that if I were to come back to Jesus, and a life
following Christ, Jesus would lead me there - forcing me wouldn't! A lot of
this was because when my dad was 17, he also did the fingers at the Church for
a long time..nine years because his Mum forced him to go. He tried all sorts -
some random religions, rock n' roll, women.. lots. But then he came back nine
years later, dissatisfied with what the world had to offer. And so the second
my brother and I turned 14 (legal age for being home alone) Dad made it very
clear Church was completely our own decision. He even encouraged breaks from
established church or youth group for reflection or rest. My friend? - His
parents punished him after that incident, for a long time, being grounded, not
seeing friends, no phone, the lot.
As we were both, at that time, in a
stage of anger and frustration at Church, our parents influence and reactions
(and symbolically, how they represented the nature of Christ and God, to us)
played a big part in our direction. And if you look at our lives now, three and
a half years later, my good friend is now very far from God, getting drunk,
getting stoned, and continually burdened by the disapproval of his parents on
his number one passion, and amazing talent for, skateboarding. Me? I came back
to God six months later - I was more broken, more vulnerable and hurting than
before, and it was the love and healing of Jesus that brought me back,
partially demonstrated by my parents actions towards me. They showed Jesus to
me.
I like reflecting on this because
it definitely makes me appreciate what my parents did for me.
What conclusions have I come
to?
1) It is okay that I do not miss or
'need' my family a whole lot. It shows that our relationship has naturally
changed from that of child-adult to adult-adult. This changes at different
times for different people, and it is probably going to be slower for my
friends in Intermission, as a lot are still living with their parents, and have
had different upbringings to me. My parents are happy with our relationship, as
am I, therefore I do not need to feel bad when my friends express a greater
desire than I for relationship with their parents.
2)I have come to understand that
Mum and Dad equipped me well for adulthood, and that is also why I found it
very easy to leave home, because they gave me the freedom to be independent
long before then.
They chose to call me Sonya,
meaning wisdom. I wonder if this subconsciously affected their treatment of me.
It was as if they expected me to make wise decisions, instead of assuming I
would make foolish ones.
I think, when my father eventually
dies, I will say some of this stuff at his funeral.
Oh! And for fun and good laughs - here's a HILARIOUS picture of me at age 15 - two days before that music festival - angry, short-haired, and vulnerable - and posing with my friends. Oh - and one of my first jobs - a dancing theme-park Mascot
P.S That was not my normal make-up xD
I like being Sonya.
wow
ReplyDeletethat is an amazing post!